- Your son's being called names at school...
Your daughter says she's got no friends and the others won't play with her.
This behaviour is not a normal part of growing up - it is bullying.
Bullying is a big problem in New Zealand and it's important that we
all work to stop it.
This information gives parents and caregivers some ideas about how to
prevent your child being bullied or bullying others.
What is bullying?
Bullying is where a child or group of children keep taking advantage of the power they have to hurt or reject someone else. Some of the ways children bully another child include: calling them names, or saying or writing nasty comments about them, leaving them out of activities or not talking to them, threatening them, or making them feel uncomfortable or scared, stealing or damaging their things, hitting or kicking them, or making them do things they don't want to do.
Why is bullying harmful?
Some people think bullying is just part of growing up and a way for children to learn to stick up for themselves.
But bullying can make children feel lonely, unhappy, frightened, unsafe and think that there must be something wrong with them.
Signs that might indicate your child is being bullied include tummy aches, nightmares, reluctance to go to school and loss of confidence. They may lose contact with friends and seem isolated.
Why do some children bully?
There are a lot of reasons why children bully. They may see it as a way of being popular, showing off, or making themselves look tough. Some children bully to get attention, and some just like making other people feel afraid of them. Others might be jealous of the person they are bullying, or might be being bullied themselves. They may not even realise that what they are doing is wrong and how it makes their victims feel.
Why are some children bullied?
Some young people are bullied for no particular reason, but usually it's because they are different in some way - perhaps it's the colour of their skin, the way they talk, their size or their name. Sometimes young people are bullied because they look like they won't stand up for themselves.
What can I do if my child is being bullied?
If your child is being bullied, listen to what they are saying and be supportive.
It is important to make it clear it isn't their fault. Ask your child how they have been dealing with the bullying, talk about what else can be done and what action you can both take to solve the problem. Reassure them you will consult them before taking any action.
Remember that it is very hard for a victim to do something to stop the problem. Other people must make this happen for them.
Discuss the bullying with other parents, or support groups, who may be able to suggest ways they have helped their own children. Raise the issue with your child's school and ask them what they will do to stop the bullying - suggest that the school contact the bully's parents, or appoint an adult minder for the bully. Encourage the school to develop a "no bullying" policy if they don¹t already have one, and keep working with the school until the bullying stops. You could help your child develop a plan to deal with bullying, including how to get help. For example, help your child list all the adults they trust, who they could phone or go to for help. Write the names and phone numbers on a card that they can carry with them.
Children should first try ignoring the bullying child, telling them to stop, and walking away whenever the bullying starts.
Encourage your child to always tell an adult they can trust. Explain to them this isn't telling tales. They have a right to be safe.
There are a number of ways that you can encourage confidence in your child. You could try pairing them with a more robust child for protection and as a role model, or have your child learn self-defence skills. Encourage them to spend time with their friends and provide them with opportunities for making new friends - bullies hardly ever pick on people if they're with others in a group.
If your child is different in some way, help them to be proud of it. A confident child is less likely to be bullied and will also be better able to deal with any bullying which occurs.
What can I do if my child bullies others?
If you discover that your child is bullying other children, stay calm.
Try to find out how and why they have been behaving in this way. Explain to your child that bullying is wrong, and try to get your child to understand what it's like for their victim. Ask how they would feel if someone was bullying them. Talk about what they think might help them to stop bullying and show them how to join in with other children without bullying them. Praise them when they play co-operatively with other children without resorting to bullying. Talk to your child's school, and find out if they have appropriate programmes to help children who bully, or seek help from school counsellors. In some cases, parents can help by controlling their own behaviour and by making it clear that bullying is unacceptable. If you feel it's appropriate, you may like to consider an anger management programme for yourself and your child.
Tell your children that they should never join in when someone else is being bullied and that they should always try to help another child being bullied, for example by reporting it.
Tell them that doing nothing to stop bullying means that they're saying it's okay.
New Zealand Research on Bullying:
"The Impact of Bullying on Children"
The above research was conducted by Dr Gabrielle Maxwell and Janis Carroll-Lind, and revised in October 1997.
It aimed to examine the child's perspective on what is violent for them and the impact these violent events have on their lives.
The study involved violence at home, the community as well as at school.
Form 1 and 2 (year 7 and 8) school children were invited to take part in the research.
Eight schools participated, including four schools in a provincial New Zealand city area and four from a major urban area. A total of 259 children took part with an even mix of boys and girls, spread across the intermediate age range of 11-13 years.
The children were asked about experiences of physical, sexual and emotional violence or abuse in the previous nine months of 1995 and at any time in the past.
The study confirms high levels of both physical and emotional bullying in New Zealand schools.
Within any particular year it is likely that at least half and perhaps as many as three quarters of children are bullied. Ten percent are bullied weekly.
This research extends beyond simply surveying the amount of bullying and asks children about the impact the bullying has had on them.
The results underline the special vulnerability of children and show that the hurt done is often considerable and long remembered. An adult learns to cope with pain, fear, rejection, loss and loneliness but a child is easy to wound and often has few skills to cope.
At the same time, adults often fail to notice what is happening to a child or belittle the events.
It is commonly said that bullying is "simply part of growing up" or part of "the rough and tumble of childhood."
But when the research reveals that children consider the death of someone close as the only experience worse than bullying, you get an idea of what impact it has.
A detailed copy of The Impact of Bullying on Children can be
obtained from the Office of the Commissioner for Children at no cost.
The Office's contact details are:
PO Box 12-537
Thorndon
Wellington
New Zealand
Ph: 0064-4-4711410
Fax: 0064-4-4711418
For more information:
Most schools run programmes, such as the police programme Kia Kaha, to deal with bullying.
Telecom has also set up a toll free help line:
Phone toll free 0800 NO BULLY (0800 66 28 55)
The pamphlet "Stop Bullying - advice for parents and caregivers" is also available from police education officers.
